Older, Dating, and Trans

Posted on March 17, 2018
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Single? What? I haven’t been single since I was a teen. Four long-term relationships have filled the better part of the last 30 years. Now, recently divorced after 14 years, I am dipping my toe into unfamiliar waters.These waters my toe is dangling in are deep and scary. Even as I ease into the pool, I am clinging tightly to the edge not wanting to venture out. Who are these people? Why are they attractive to me, or not? Wait, online dating? What is this? I am not meeting you in real life? Ummm…

That is not to say I haven’t had periods of time where I was single, but they were brief. Maybe I glommed onto the first person that came along. Maybe fate always kept a partner in my life. Maybe I was just lucky. I can’t explain why my life happened the way it did, but none-the-less, here I am. And now…turning 45 and facing the dating scene for really the first time in my life. On top of being single for the first time in what seems like forever, I am also single as the first time as a Trans Woman. Ummm…

One thing I can say is that I have certainly learned some valuable lessons as I have ventured into the dating pool.

Lesson one: Not everyone is honest, the scammers are looking for me.

I read about people being scammed on dating sites from various sources and I have often thought to myself, how does anyone fall for that? Until it happened to me! Yes, I am a victim of a scammer. Mr. Charming wrote me the message of my dreams, promising me everything. Did it sound fishy? Of course. But, I don’t do alone well and desperation pushed my intelligence aside and said, trust this guy. Money, power and fame, what more could a girl ask for? He offered it all: Sugar Daddy. What did he want? To pay off my debts and be a kind soul. Too good to be true? Yeah, of course it was, but the brain was turned off and reason flew out the window. Even as the scam unfolded, and my brain knocked on the door saying, hey chicky, you know this isn’t real, I continued to follow along. In the end, it could have been a lot worse as it only cost me $60 in bounced check fees, but…stupid, stupid, stupid!
What did come from this encounter was life experience. I had waded away from the edge of the dating pool and started to drown, but it taught me to swim, even if just treading water to stay afloat. When the next scammer came around, I was ready. It was the same lines, the same moves and potentially even the same person. My brain took over and said, no way buddy! The interaction with him lasted less than half a day. He figured out quick that I wasn’t having any of it and moved on. Maybe the water isn’t so deep when you know how to navigate it?

Lesson two: People can be flaky

So many people, so many personalities. I have had conversations that in the end we both decided that it wasn’t right. I am still having conversations where the future of any relationship is still open. Then I have had conversations that go so well and then…they just stop talking. The last exchange was positive, so what happened? Did I do something wrong? We bonded for hours and all I said was I need to go to a meeting and I’ll be back in 30 minutes. Geez, how is that a deal breaker?
I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone reacts to situations the same way I do. We all use our life’s experiences to guide our actions as we interact with others. They are no exception. Three hours of texting does not give me their entire story. I don’t know what their past holds. Maybe the thought of it ‘going right’ scares them? Maybe they don’t really want what they think they want? Maybe they just change their minds? All cool, but why be rude?

I am sure this is where my naiveite of online dating comes into play. When I lose interest, I personally just say, “no thank you”. Or if we have had an ongoing dialogue, I say, “I’m sorry, but…” I guess that is just me and the way I have dated in the past…well as much as I can remember from 30 years ago. Sigh.

Lesson three: Very few people take the time to read my profile

I swear, there are times I think I could write the rudest thing possible on my profile and I would still get responses. I’m sorry, I took the time to write my profile, you take the time to read it. It is a good window into who I am. Is it a complete picture? No. Website limitations prevent that. And, that is what we can talk about; that is our conversation starters. But the one thing that drives me crazy is if I have put it in my profile and the questions I start getting are all about things I already took the time to explain. I am not talking about clarification, I am talking about questions like, “Where do you live?” Ummm….
The same holds true in reverse. I do read your profile. If I am responding to you or writing you first, I promise it has nothing to do with your profile picture. I saw something on your profile that caught my attention. It could be something as simple as where you live, but we have to start somewhere. Please don’t repeat your profile to me as we correspond. If I need a refresher, I know how to pull up your profile and look it over again. Tell me something new.
Lesson four: Learning to swim is a process and not something I do automatically
Drown and resurface, drown and resurface. This seems to be the way this process works. Every time I think I have it figured out, I go under again. Do you like to be the one to initiate contact? Do you prefer if I reach out to you first? Are you just here to troll? (Hey look, I used an internet term not from my generation…go me!) How am I supposed to know?
It was so simple back before online dating. You went to a place or an event, you saw someone you might be interested in and asked if you could get to know each other. The answer was either yes, no or maybe. Two out of three in the odds of at least having a conversation; not bad. In the online world, not so much. Yes, can mean yes, until I get bored in five minutes or yes, how about we talk next week or yes, but not really. What??? Is my head above water here? I don’t understand. Can we just be precise with what we want and what we are looking for? Drown and resurface, drown and resurface.

I think that being Trans adds more depth to the water I am treading. This added complication limits where I can go to date. I tried may times using dating sites that are geared towards more ‘conventional’ relationships, straight and gay. That is the point where lesson three comes back into play. It never matters if the first word on my profile is “Transgender” because they aren’t reading it. I learned to always ask while setting up a date if they are really okay with me being Trans. Nine times out of ten, I get,

“What do you mean you are Trans? ” Cue the curse words and slurs Ummm…

It is all enough to make me want to give up hope. Maybe I should join a nunnery. Oh wait…religion, trans…guess that one is out too. Am I doomed to be alone? How long do I have to swim these dark murky waters? Where is Mr. Right? I do not know the answers to any of these questions and don’t even know where to look for them. What I do know is that it is scary to be in the dating pool and not knowing how to swim. For now, I will tread to keep my head above water and hope that someone will take me by the hand and show me the way back out the deep abyss.

Transgender women who date transgender women

Posted on December 13, 2017
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Dating… a word that sounds very familiar for the most of us but a word that cannot be simply defined in a quintessential manner. It goes in myriad directions, above and beyond. You know the fundamentals of it but will you able to have the same familiarity with it when it veers off from what you think you know?

There are a lot of Transgender Dating Sites for women which doesn’t necessarily endorse a prototype of a straight relationship but majorly represents it. The idea of a man and a woman as the perfect couple is rampantly seen as the 15-second advertisement of a fast-food chain right before you can watch a video on Youtube.

What if a transgender woman in a dating site is looking for transgender women as well? What if a transgender woman happens to find love with a cisgender woman outside of a transgender dating site for women?

To be honest, the realities I’ve listed above were once novelty to me. As a transgender woman, I’ve always thought that one of the main advantages of me transitioning is to be able to attract men easier. I was once ignorant and associated gender with sexual preference.

Fashion tips for transgender women in transition

Posted on August 18, 2017
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One of the biggest things that worry most tgirls at the beginning of their transition is their visuals, but it’s not a problem, just a lack of information. Sometimes what you’re trying to avoid, comes to the fore. What happens is that at this stage, the body still has many masculine characteristics which are something very common, but what I intend to talk about in this post is, precisely the tips on how to “cover” these parts without losing your subtlety and beauty. I am going to show here options very practical, and valuables advice to you feel more feminine and especially, better with yourself.

When John loved Jane, a short transgender love story

Posted on February 6, 2017
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When John loved Jane is a short story by Filipino transgender writer Gabrielle Dela Cruz. Thank you Gabrielle for letting us post your story on our blog!



When John loved Jane

John, a college student recalls the very first time he fell in love. He takes everyone in a journey through how his life was geared towards making a girl named Jane truly happy for the first time in her life.

Jane, an atypical damsel in distress who is quite eccentric nonchalantly reveals herself to John. Beneath Jane’s seemingly perfect life colored with beautiful artworks and promises is an underlying sadness that John was in a battle to lift away from her.
John might just have all the answers through Jane’s unsaid prayers through this intimate narrative of first love.

Top 7 transsexual myths that need to die ASAP

Posted on January 20, 2017
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Since time immemorial, transgender people have always been dealing with issues – how we have been unfairly treated, how we have been wrongly perceived and how we have been hastily judged by many. This seemingly started to decrease the past years and today, signs are showing that we are entering a more accepting era for transsexual people to advance in life and live life with less or, even better, without any problems. This idea of removing these issues for transgender people is a challenge but I believe it’s achievable (hope I’m not daydreaming). The question is, how are we going to successfully make this happen?

I firmly believe that if people would open their minds and become aware of these facts, it would make cohabitating together for transgender people and cis-gender people in this world more sound and peaceful. This could happen if all of us would do these 2 things; Knowing the accurate information and, unlearning the things this conservative, egocentric and discriminating society we are all part of taught us about being transgender.

Let me go thru some things with you on what some people generally think about the transgender community. (and what I personally think about it)

Hurtful Comments when dating a transsexual woman. What to do?

Posted on August 2, 2016
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No matter how feminine and passable your transsexual girlfriend may be, eventually some clown is going to make a rude comment about her after he’s had a few too many drinks or was simply an uncouth boor. Even though most of my ts relationships were with women who no one passing on the street would guess that she was born a male, we would occasionally encounter a yahoo who thought he or she – yes, sometimes genetic girls mouth off, too – was being clever or funny by making a wisecrack.

The question for us men who are – or want to be – involved with a transsexual woman is simply this: What’s the best way to handle it?

On the one hand, my attitude has always been that when someone insults the woman in my life it is the same as insulting me. But at the same time, defending her doesn’t mean taking a swing at the guy. Still, most of us want to protect our girlfriend without ending up in a brawl where people could get hurt – and arrested.

8 commandments in dating a transgender woman

Posted on June 25, 2016
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The multi-part blog that transgender women posted about dating transsexual women was terrific, and spot on.
Let me offer a few more tips as someone who has dated transsexual women almost exclusively for the past ten-plus years. This included living with a transsexual woman for five years, and dating another for three in a committed relationship although we did not live together. When I wasn’t involved with someone, I was dating mostly transsexual women hoping to find a relationship.

Treat a transgender woman as a woman

This is very important, remember that you are dating a woman. She may have thought of herself as female since she was very young, so treat her as such. If all you want is the experience, need to fulfil a fantasy, or think of transsexuals as “chicks with dicks,” do both you and her a favor and call an escort.

Sex Diaries: Trans Lovers, could it be more cliché?

Posted on October 15, 2015
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Sex Diaries, episode 3: Trans Lovers. This documentary of 45 minutes aired on Channel 4 a few days ago. You might be able to still watch it online on Channel 4’s website (although I believe this won’t work if you’re not physically in the UK… I am in the Philippines and the video didn’t load — fortunately, a good soul published a copy on Youtube).

First of all, I do appreciate that Channel 4 is featuring transgender stories. I don’t watch TV much, so I might be wrong, but it seems this channel airs a lot of transgender related programs overall. But then, I’m a bit disappointed by the sample of people they chose to follow. Have they asked us, we could have recommended a way more representative sample…

The essence of honesty in any form of relationship

Posted on June 30, 2015
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Relationships are complicated no matter who we are, and dating within the transgender community can make matters even trickier. So what is it that we are bringing to the table to help foster this personal connection, and let it grow into love? There are many aspects to consider when striving for a healthy relationship, and it is not always easy to find what we are looking for. Even when we are lucky enough to find love, a serious relationship takes constant effort from both persons. In the long run what you put into the relationship is what you will get out of it.

Everyone has different thoughts of what is essential when being with that special someone, but there are also certain traits that we can all agree on being important. Emotional, and physical attraction, or perhaps even a spiritual connection for some; these are the kinds of feelings that many search for in their partner. There is another characteristic that I would put greater value on than most of the others, and would argue that a serious relationship relies in large part to this.

Our transsexual dating site is now available in Portuguese

Posted on February 23, 2015
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Last month, we opened the Chinese version of My Transsexual Date. Today I am glad to announce the opening of our Portuguese version! European Portuguese, to be more exact. Brazilian Portuguese will surely follow soon, but if our Brazilian friends wish to use the site in Portuguese already, this should do.

Making My Transsexual Date available in portuguese was an important step for us, because the transgender population of Brazil is extremely marginalised, despite the fact that they are so many. Our mission is to help all trans women in this world get a chance at love, and this is even more true for trans women who live in countries where society makes it difficult to meet sincere men.

We are also not forgetting our friends from Portugal of course, which we are very happy to welcome in their native language!

Following this logic, let me take this opportunity to announce that we plan to make our dating site available in Japanese, Bahasa Indonesia and Bahasa Melayu (main languages in Indonesia and Malaysia) very soon. So stay tuned!

Olá Portugal e no Brasil. E bem-vindos!